MINNEAPOLIS — New couple Rachel Kim and Tyler Bennett were reportedly blissfully unaware that their relationship would not survive its first game night, with both describing the romance as remarkably easy and natural despite the fact that it was only hours away from collapsing entirely, sources confirmed Friday.

CHICAGO — Your friend who insists they don’t need therapy, which they describe as self-indulgent bullshit for weak people desperate for validation, sure is talking your goddamn ear off about every problem they have accumulated over their lifetime, sources confirmed Friday.

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Even harsher feedback was reportedly coming Monday from a local noise artist’s dad, whose sustained barrage of personal insults and practical life advice could be heard throughout an otherwise overwhelmingly abrasive experimental music set, confused audience members confirmed.

PHILADELPHIA — Chillinoutmaxxing reportedly remains the defining trend among Willennials, with analysts noting an ever-increasing interest in the cultural attitudes and personal philosophies associated with the turn of the Willennium.

Fuck. Why the fuck would your aunt be calling you? Fuck. Someone’s dead. Someone is fucking dead. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Not every classic film has “aged well.” Luckily, modern Warner Bros. executives understand that their creative decisions have the potential to influence some of the most important issues of today, like shareholder confidence, quarterly EBITDA targets, and their upcoming severance package.

AUSTIN, Texas — Emphasizing the close personal bonds shared throughout the company, regional operations manager who says “we’re like a family here” Greg Talbot declared Monday that he would be more than willing to testify against any employee if asked to do so, sources confirmed.

SEATTLE — Local homeowner Brandon Pike reportedly spent nearly the entirety of his dinner party Saturday night carefully explaining to guests which specific light switches they were and were not permitted to use, sources confirmed.

NEW YORK — A local museum visitor reported Friday that the helpful audio guide at the Museum of Contemporary Art had gently begun suggesting he might simply be too dumb to understand one of the featured pieces after he failed to respond positively to it, sources confirmed.

HOUSTON — Memorial Heights Hospital billing director Karen Williams confirmed Monday that she and her team remain determined to battling a former patient long after the cancer itself has given up, sources confirmed.

When discussing classic films, particularly the comedies of yesteryear, a common and often repeated take is “Wow, you could NEVER make that today.” While it’s easy to brush off such an often-repeated sentiment, it actually holds significant truth. The fact of the matter is it’s already well into the afternoon. 

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Derek Nolan reportedly renewed his gym membership Monday on the off-chance that he suddenly becomes a completely different fucking person, explaining that it’s important to be prepared in case he inexplicably turns into the kind of adult who takes basic care of themself, sources confirmed.

Few films have inspired as much lasting terror and unease as the 1982 horror classic, Poltergeist. But audiences have long been haunted not just by what appeared on screen, but by what happened behind the scenes.

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local landlord Steven Halpern reportedly expressed excitement Tuesday over the latest round of repairs his tenants had taken it upon themselves to complete, noting that it’s always interesting to see what improvements renters will decide to handle next without any involvement from him, sources confirmed.

CLEVELAND — Following a vague, inaccurate, and oddly theoretical explanation of human reproduction, local 13-year-old Kyle Hartley is reportedly beginning to suspect his father may somehow still be a virgin, sources confirmed Monday.

DENVER — Local man Tyler Gibbons reportedly confirmed Tuesday that he is waiting to form all of his opinion before hearing any of the facts, confirmed sources.

The pressures of aging in Hollywood can be brutal, which is why so many people are used to seeing celebrities undergo dramatic transformations — whether it’s from cosmetic procedures, style rebrands, or being dead for decades and now consisting primarily of bones. Here’s a roundup of famous faces who many fans feel truly do not look like they used to.

TAMPA, Fla. — Local weatherman Greg Holloway reportedly expressed disappointment Monday that the major storm he had spent the week aggressively hyping failed to kill more people, noting that early models had suggested a significantly higher death toll, sources confirmed.

NEW YORK — Local therapist Dr. Lauren Mitchell reassured her patient Monday that it is completely normal for a loser like him to feel the way that he does, sources confirmed.

NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell revealed that the organization is unveiling a new policy to address the domestic violence reporting within the league, sources confirmed.

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local mother Erin Walsh sat her young son down for a quiet, heartfelt conversation about growing up and gently explained that the Tooth Fairy is not real, but rather a metaphor for how the state extracts value from the human body, sources confirmed.

CLICHY, France — Cosmetics giant L’Oreal revealed that it will begin testing its makeup on only the hideous rabbits that need it, describing it as a more humane and results-oriented approach to their product development, sources confirmed.

BERKELEY, Calif. — Researchers at UC Berkeley announced they had built the first sex robot with the capacity to feel shame about what just happened, confirmed sources who didn’t know whether they wanted to sleep with it or console it.

BOSTON — Local man Brian Keller reportedly believes he’s hit rock bottom despite not altering a single aspect of his self-destructive behavior or circumstances, sources confirmed.